Bye Malta, me love you long time, no matter how much you slap me in the face

So to close the Maltese story…

No love no glory 🎶🎶


Putting aside the hopes of great holiday love, it was rather fantastic. The sea, the views, the weather. Leo, William and their friends were really nice and funny. I had a good time. However, there were some interesting fails, which I’ve learned to laugh off rather than get frustrated and bitch about the holidays from hell.

First interesting fact is that, out of all 365 days in a year, the Maltese public transport decided to go on strike for one day, which was of course the day of my arrival.

Apparently they have never went on strike before, they just kept threatening for years, but it’s always been resolved somehow. But not when I’m around it ain’t mhmm.

Consequently, William was late but I used my time at the airport very efficiently, accessing the free WiFi and swiping left and right like a crazy Tinder bitch. Let’s just say, the choice in Malta is much more better


William was about an hour late but arrived just in time, cause my fingers started to hurt from all the swiping.

We had to take a taxi and it took us ages, because the traffic jams were horrendous. Imagine, the whole island suddenly having to take their cars out to go to work or anywhere at all.

I booked a hotel which was really close to the clubs but was one of the cheapest I could find. I didn’t expect much but when the description said “studio with a kitchen area” I did expect more than just a metal sink. At least a bloody fridge. But fear not, William and I used a bucket of cold water to chill our alcohol. Camping style. I did have very low expectations about the accessibility of Internet in  rooms, but even the reception area didn’t have wifi. And the reason why I needed wifi so much brings me to another fail.

On my way to the airport, my phone started behaving super slow and I noticed it is asking me to instal an update. Since the bus to the airport takes an hour anyway, I thought it’s a fantastic idea. It wasn’t. After 30 min of staring at “Verifying update” I got super bored and came up with another amazing idea! Why don’t I just turn it off and on again. I know, don’t judge, it was 5am okay.

So this forced reboot during a software update, believe it or not, screwed up my phone so that it didn’t see any SIM card. My plan was to get a €5 Maltese SIM card with 3G and freely enjoy a GPS man hunt. Didn’t quite work out. Instead, I had to steal wifi from bars and restaurants and it just doesn’t work well for meeting guys, men are just too much effort these days, you need a 24/7 Internet access.

Instead, I found a restaurant very close to my hotel and the beach, where I had one coffee and in the next few days just sat outside on the pavement like a homeless gay crack whore, using their wifi. I was very pleased they didn’t turn it off when the restaurant was closed.

Still, my online presence wasn’t fruitful at all. Some all-talk-no-action sluts, some creepy sluts (who sends a pic wearing white undies with yellow stains ffs…), some nice guys who were too busy , some other nice guys who replied when I was already boarding my flight back. Meh.

But I can say Malta is a strange place for gays. A lot of local guys who mostly live with their parents, a few expats who sleep with locals but then fly away, a lot of tourists who do the exactly same thing but fly away much faster. It must be the case in most tourist destinations. However, the only thing you can usually do in Malta as a foreigner is to teach English, learn English or be a tourist.

To close the story in style, my bus TO the airport broke down half way and we had to take a replacement bus. Because it just can’t be easy and simple.

All in all, I don’t know if I’ll ever be back again and even though I didn’t find myself a husband, it was worth going. It just had to be done.

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